I OPEN my eyes and turn my head. 7:20am. I stare at the clock until it turns to 7:21. The sun is trying to peek through my window but cannot break through the blinds. At 7:22 I turn around and close my eyes. Maybe now I can get a couple of hours of sleep before I have to get up for a photo shoot at the park. I need some sleep.
I picture Bennett, settling in his first class seat on the flight across the country. It’s been a week since I found out he knew about his father and Spencer being involved. He told me he had no idea she had even gotten pregnant let alone had a daughter. Even though he didn’t known that, the fact that he knew they were involved and hadn’t told me when I had been wondering aloud about things hurt too much. I hadn’t spoken to him since I told him to get out of my apartment.
Not that he hadn’t tried to contact me. My phone is full of missed calls and pleading texts to talk to him. But I can’t find it in my heart to speak to him yet. I feel stupid. How could he not tell me? I had looked directly at him, musing aloud if Spencer had been involved with his dad and all he had done was usher me out of his new apartment.
Emotion rises in me, making my throat tighten. I close my eyes and cover my head with my pillow. I am determined to get some sleep before my job today. I can’t keep thinking about Bennett on that airplane, traveling far away from me. I don’t want to think about any of it – not Bennett, Kevin nor Spencer and her daughter.
***
Sleep comes but it is full of dreams. In the first one, I am in the car on the night of my accident. I am being moved. I can feel Spencer tugging me across the mud and the rain hitting my skin. I can feel the pain in my leg. I can hear Spencer’s ragged breath in my ear. Behind her, I hear Kevin speaking to someone on the phone.
“Ten-thousand dollars,” he is saying and then sighs, “Fine. Twelve-thousand. And if you say a word about this, I’ll make sure you lose your job, do you understand?”
Dimly, it registers that he is talking to the hospital director. Spencer stops for a moment, trying to catch her breath.
“What are you doing?” Kevin says to her, covering his phone with his hand. “Hurry the fuck up!” He sounds unlike any other time I have heard him – panicked and slightly out of control.
Spencer lets out a choked sob and moves me again. I want to tell her to stop. I want to tell her that I won’t let Kevin do this to her, to us, but the dream is suddenly shifting and changing.
I am now in the guest house on Kevin’s property. I am clutching my camera. I can hear Bennett by the pool, having sex with that girl. The sounds are magnified, as if he is right next to me. I move on my own, opening the door to the inside pool. He isn’t there. The noise stops. I want to call out to him but I suddenly grow afraid.
I turn around and I am staring right at Kevin. He is grinning. Behind him is Bennett. His eyes are blank and expressionless. He has chains around his legs and isn’t looking at me. Kevin’s eyes are full of emotion – victory and a smugness that makes me want to run away.
But I can’t run. I look down and my leg is missing. It is just gone. I am suddenly thrown off balance and I pitch forward. Kevin doesn’t move to stop me from falling. I hit the floor with a solid thud and Bennett just watches…
***
I wake up to the sound of my alarm. I quickly shut it off and rub the dream from my eyes, trying to clear my brain. I guess I did get a couple hours of sleep. I grab my clothes and hop in the shower. The water is hot and scalds my skin. I wish it could remove the thoughts from my brain. I am sick of mulling over the accident, slowly remembering this has been a torture I never wanted to experience.
Even now, as I think about Spencer moving me, my anger has shifted over to Kevin. This is all his doing. What sort of man uses his child against the mother? He threatens Spencer with Aria, telling her that she will never see her if she doesn’t follow his instructions. That is why she moved me and lied. That is why she sold our dad’s company.
At the thought of Dad, I close my eyes. I suddenly want to sob. If he were still here, would things be different? Could I have gone to him with this information? Would he have believed me? I suddenly wish I could see him. Even if it is just for a hug. I feel as if I would feel better if I had my dad hugging me.
Everything feels messy. I press my hands against the shower wall and splay my fingers out, staring at them. Bennett and I, destroyed by the secrets of our family. Spencer and I, torn apart by Kevin. I had thought when I told my dad that I didn’t want anything to do with the company, I wouldn’t be drawn so deep into things like this. Somehow, I’m pulled down even more than I ever thought possible.
My plan was to talk to Bennett about his father and see if he could gather some evidence against Kevin… something either to prove he is Aria’s father or to blackmail him. But after discovering that Bennett already knew Spencer and Kevin were involved, that plan died. I haven’t spoken to Spencer about Bennett knowing about the two of them yet either. I’ve felt frozen, unwilling to speak to Bennett and unsure how to approach Spencer with more questions.
Spencer lives in fear of Kevin taking Aria away from her somehow. Even though she has an open adoption, she is afraid Kevin will pay the family off and have Aria moved away without telling Spencer where they went. I wanted Bennett to help find a way to get rid of that fear for Spencer. I wanted her to be with her daughter and not worry about Kevin using Aria against her. But without Bennett’s help, I feel lost at what to do.
I get out of the shower. The apartment is so quiet that I could hear a pin drop. It is strange to be without Emily. It is almost lonely, especially now that Bennett is out of the picture. I wander into the kitchen, feeling as if the silence is closing in on me. I feel ragged. My head hurts. I feel exhausted. I miss Bennett, even though I am furious at him. I miss my father.
I make some coffee, determined to ignore my problems to make sure I do a good job today with my client. It seems as my personal life grows messier and messier, my work life improves. My clientele is building and my word of mouth is positive. When I am at work, all of this mess dims to the background.
“At least I have that,” I say aloud but the words fall at my feet when there is no one here to listen to them.